People readily admit to gorging on junk food, indulging in crap TV or chain smoking. Humans will happily sit wasting away in front of a computer screen looking at gossip columns and pictures of food on square plates.
And yet these very same people always seem to be questing after quality when it comes to their movies. How many of you have purposefully sought out low grade cinematic beef? Why must we always be after the prime cut fillet? The horse-heavy offal burgers of cinema, churned out by the studio equivalent of a condemned abattoir in a former Soviet satellite state, can prove to be just as tasty.
I'm not talking about a dodgy Adam Sandler rom-com, nor a remake of a fourth-in-the-series franchise in which the actors are asking for their paycheck as they deliver the lines. I mean the truly abysmal, below human grade offerings. Here are my personal favourites:
Reefer Madness (USA, 1936)
Modern stoner films are all the rage now, in part due to North Korea's boosting of the Franco-Rogen partnership. But back in the 1930s things weren't so liberal. Midway through the decade, in fact, a film was produced to show the dangers of smoking cannabis. The results were hilariously extreme: murder, madness, suicide, car crashes, rape and the descent of the characters to cackling, paranoid animals. Rediscovered in the 70s, Reefer Madness boasts anachronistic attitudes within the realm of shoddy acting and poor production values.
Plan 9 From Outer Space (USA, 1959)
Crossdressing filmmaker Edward D. Wood produced a number of films that could contend for a space on any 'worst film' list, but I've chosen just to show the absolute worst. Wood planned a science fiction epic in which extraterrestrial baddies would raise the earth's dead to help them take over the planet. Despite severe financial constraints, Wood pressed ahead, allowing every limitation to show like the stitching on a pair of jeans. Bad acting, bad sound, bad special effects, bad plot... Plan 9 From Outer Space was instantly decried as an atrocious cinematic endeavor.
However, history has been a little kinder. Plan 9 gradually gained a cult following, and now holds a 66% critical score on Rotten Tomatoes. In 1994 Tim Burton released Ed Wood, about the filmmaker, starring Johnny Depp (who else) as the eponymous eccentric. Plan 9 is also known as Bela Lugosi's last film, whose role comprised of footage cut from another, abandoned Wood production.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (USA, 1966)
In my mind the worst of the lot. Appalling does not even begin to describe what a Texan fertiliser salesman produced as a bet. El Paso native Harold P. Warren was trying to prove that it wasn't that hard to shoot a horror movie. In the strictest sense he demonstrated that he had a point, writing, directing, financing and starring in this glittering display of self-delusion.
The plot revolves around a family being trapped in a polygamous cult, but that would be less of a trial than watching the movie. For example, a character is massaged to death. At one point, a couple is introduced in a car on the side of the road, only for them to be completely forgotten. In another instance, two cops run a couple of meters only to halt in their tracks for no apparent reason. It's also put together it a comical style: a whimsical jazz soundtrack plays as characters are killed; a woman claims 'it's getting dark' as the midday Texan sun blazes behind her; the clapperboard even makes an appearance.
Also, Manos is Spanish for 'hands'. So the title is really Hands: The Hands of Fate.
The Man Who Saved the World (Turkey, 1982)
I'm surprised that nothing from the 70s made this list. This was the decade that produced flares and the pet rock. Anyway, forward to the early 80s and we can see what Turkish cinema was up to. Oh look, an insanely bad work of which half was lifted entirely from Hollywood. Its illegal use of Star Wars footage led to the nickname Turkish Star Wars, and the music is completely stolen from films such as Ben-Hur and Raiders of the Lost Arc. What would have been a terrible adventure romp became an inadvertent work of comedic gold.
It actually spawned a sequel in 2006.
The Hobbit (USSR, 1985)
With the final, CGI-laden installment of Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy just released, some people might forget that the great socialist utopia of the USSR got there first. I don't know why, during a decade of weakening national economics, endemic poverty and alcoholism, and the final stages of the Cold War, someone decided to pour money into a retelling of Bilbo Baggins. But they did, and thank God for that. It was shown on TV for the general population, which answers numerous questions about why the Soviet Union collapsed.
Howard the Duck (USA, 1986)
When people criticised George Lucas' work on the second Star Wars trilogy and the last Indiana Jones, they had obviously forgotten what he was up to in 1986. And I don't mean that film whose name I can't remember or the other one with David Bowie. I mean Howard the Duck, which Lucas produced himself. In person. He actually saw this leave his office and thought 'yep, that's a film.'
Howard the Duck was originally a satirical Marvel comics character (deeply existentialist according to Wikipedia). He was trapped on earth as a sentient, loquacious bird who could point out the absurdities of life through his anatine form. Someone, somewhere, for some reason got the idea that the poultry hero would make a great animated film character. And he might. Problem is, contractual obligations forced it to be a live action production. The result: a man with a giant plastic duck's head running around in hot tubs and reading Playduck magazine.
Perhaps if Howard the Duck had been shown before Revenge of the Sith then critics may have been more forgiving.
Troll 2 (Italy / USA, 1990)
A film called Troll 2 that does not actually feature any trolls is, well, a bit of a troll. It's never going to be Casablanca is it (a film which, just to be clear, did contain a Casablanca). It was allegedly written due the director's wife's disgust at her friends becoming vegetarian, which shows just how much evil vegetables can cause. It is also completely unrelated to the first Troll, which was actually about trolls and featured a character called Harry Potter. Spoiler alert: the film ends with goblins eating a woman in a bathtub.
The Room (USA, 2003)
The rock star of bad movies, The Room has proven that the 21st century is a great age. Tommy Wiseau, an enigmatic oddball whose year and continent of birth remain unknown, mysteriously produced a romantic drama for the big screen so bad that it has been called 'The Citizen Kane of bad movies' (thanks again, Wikipedia). Whilst I stand by my earlier decision to annoint Manos as the very worst, I can see why The Room is many people's favourite. Because it's not just a cheesy exploitation horror or far-fetched sci-fi bogged down in its own imagination and ambition. It's a little arthouse film which tries, and fails, to tell a pretty simple story about a few people in love. Whole thematic strains are abandoned, such as one of the characters having cancer. Random scenes show male characters playing American football with each other for no apparent reason. And the dialogue, delivered by Wiseau... well, it's worth a look yourself.
Wiseau has now embraced his failure. Sporting his signature look (long hair, sunglasses, waistcoat, thick tie, jeans, crazed expression) he appears at screenings and fan conventions looking like the former drummer of a moderately successful 80s hair metal band, and claiming that his great creation was all deliberate. Not that I doubt him of course. It just would have been a little clearer if he'd stated that before people saw The Room.
Gigli (USA, 2003)
One of the few films on this list which is visually decent - no poor production values, mismatched dubbing or amateur dramatics acting. It stars Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Al Pacino and Christopher Walken, and was distributed by Columbia Pictures. Yet it was one of the most costly box office flops of all time and carries an unfortunate 6% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It seriously dented Affleck's career, which had been doing well, but 2003 also saw him star in the panned Daredevil.
Quite why it is so reviled is perhaps somewhat strange, given that it is a cut above The Room. But it has neither the humerous failure of a low-budget Troll 2 nor the redeeming features of a lavish but empty blockbuster. It isn't sure whether it's a feelgood romcom or a violent thriller, much of the dialogue is laughable, and the end product feels like a Saturday Night Live sketch. Laughable.
Run for Your Wife (UK, 2012)
Professional mockney actor Danny Dyer has an appropriate surname. Although not a bad actor in my humble opinion, and now with a regular role in British soap Eastenders, Dyer has turned out some shocking performances. Acerbic film critic Mark Kermode, known for his baiting of Dyer, called this particular offering 'unwatchable'. Dyer has threatened Kermode with physical violence. It is against this backdrop that you must try and enjoy Run for Your Wife.
The IMDb lists Run for Your Wife as a comedy. You would have had more laughs living through the carpet bombing of Dresden. On its opening weekend (this is my favourite 'what a useless film' fact) Run earned 600 pounds. Britain, the country that produced Dad's Army, Monty Python, Alan Partridge and The Office has descended into this. Dyer.
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